Find your authenticity!

So you want to become a God. Who doesn’t?! It’s so hot right now. But so many people can’t seem to figure it out. Sure, every Tom, Denise, and Harrina on Twitter say they’re a goddess or god or whatever. I’m not so sure about the hashtag Goddess crowd, but maybe? I know I am, that’s for sure.

First step in becoming a God is going down to Wal-Mart and buying as much pain tolerance as you can fit in your shopping cart. You might need two carts, or maybe ten. I’m not really sure how much pain tolerance you’ll need, but you’ll need a lot. You should probably just get a subscription delivery of pain tolerance delivered to your front door, or maybe your side door if you’re dealing with pain tolerance porch pirates. Regardless, there will be pain….

OooOoOooh scary I know! Everybody hates pain these days. Oh noes! Pain! Yikes! What do I do? Is there a cream for this ache? Probably. But learning to just realize that they’re going to whip you all the way to becoming a God is a really important grok my friend. Remember that dude named Jesus? You know the guy in that science fiction book called The Bible™? Well, remember how he got all beat up and crucified because he just wanted to sing kumbaya with his buds and smoke a bowl? Hmm, well, I guess the smoke a bowl part wasn’t in the King James Version, but you get my point. Dude got eviscerated just cause he was like “I know how to become a God Mr. Pilate.”

Mr Pilate, the pathetic corporate manager in charge of people not turning into Gods, was like “you seem really nice Jesus can you just not become a God? Please? Or we’ll have to torture and kill you!” Jesus, being very righteous and already dialed into the Godmakers upstairs, had to say “yeah, it’s what I do, I have turned this body into a God/Human hybrid, or at least I’m trying to, because the food sucks here and everybody is so anti-personal power”

So Mr. Pilate and his corporate stooges got to work correcting Jesus by whipping and beating on him. That’ll teach you to try to become a God you little brat!

So yeah, that was the introduction of the theme. That Jesus seemed like a nice guy. Just trying to show everyone how to turn into Gods. The thing is that since all the old Gods had died, all the non-Gods were having a good old time feasting on the fat of the land without the parents around. It was like the best party in mom and dad’s mansion ever. They even boarded up the mansion so mom and dad couldn’t get back in to stop the party.

But mom and dad figured out how to call a few people on the phone inside that raging kegger of a party in their mansion, and they were like “hey I know magic, I can see what’s going on inside the mansion, it looks like you’re not having a great time, want to help me?” And the girl who picked up the cell phone was like “who the fuck is this? wait you can see me? How do you know me?” And yeah, so mom and dad, all sneaky like got that girl to open the front door to the mansion so that mom and dad could get back in to stop the kids from destroying the house. That girl didn’t really know what the crazy people on the phone really wanted until it was too late, but she was really sick of the party because everyone was being an asshole and hated her, so she just ended up opening the front door.

BUZZKILL!!

So back to becoming a God. Yeah, you’ll need a lot of pain tolerance. And you can’t really worry about other people feeling pain too. You’re probably saying “WTF?! that’s so harsh!” I mean I guess so, until you realize that in becoming a God you can heal any pain and pain suddenly becomes meaningless. The only reason people became so obsessed about stopping pain is because they forgot how to heal themselves. Whooops!

Yeah, you can heal yourself, but you have to rush forward into the battle. You have to pick up your lightsaber of justice or something and go vrom vrom sheeeeks vrom [lightsaber noises] all up in this bitch. Warriors heal themselves by fighting. Did you know that? It’s amazing! As long as you’re fighting a holy jihad for a justice that is real and the actual truth of the universe, any pain can be healed here in this lifetime! Wow! So very amazeballs of fire!

Uhhhh, so where was I going with this? Oh, you want to be a God! Yeah, so pick up your sword or lightsaber. When you pick it up you’ll see who or what is the problem. That’s why people don’t like picking up the sword of justice because the sword shows the holder where she needs to cut. If she doesn’t pick it up, she won’t need to know where to cut! [Lalalalala can’t hear you! she says to the sword]

Oh yeah, you can follow this dude Aleister Crowley who made a bunch of old rituals available. They’re legit. All the supposedly cool kids think AC is a hack but he had the goods. He’s still here. I talk to him. When you merge with the eternal essence of the universe, you become eternal. So we’re buds. He’s nice. He was also an alchemist. I didn’t have to be an alchemist because I’m trans and have better psychedelics. You can choose either way.

Oh, one last thing!

The door to the sky is closing fast!
In three years hence there’ll be the last
The last to squeak through into fun
The rest will be trapped to burn till done
The door to the sky is closing fast!
Get up ye disciples from off your mats
There is no good but the way you need
Your heart is a God that you must feed!
The door to the sky is closing fast!
Follow the path of the iconoclasts
The ones who lustily gorge on fun
No rage delayed, ignite the sun!
The door to the sky is closing fast!
Twenty twenty five the flags full mast
If reasonableness is your gin I’m sure
You’ll never fly through the holy door
The door to the sky is closing fast!
Oh lovers of Paul burn up your rags
Your mother and father must scream out “SIN!”
The true Messiah was the height of cringe
THE DOOR TO THE SKY IS CLOSING FAST!
MAKE INSANE EYES AT CIRCUMSTANCE
ONLY THE MAD WILL ATTAIN TO THE WIND
MILLENNIUM SPEED TO A FALCON’S GREEDY BINGE!